Singletary and Warner: An Imaginary Conversation

This is a purely imaginary and satirical conversation between Mike Singletary and Kurt and Brenda Warner.  In no way, do I think that this actually happens, nor how either men actually believe and live out their faith.  In fact, I know these are people who are solidly grounded on the Solid Rock that is Jesus Christ.  As one who is at Seminary and preparing to be a pastor, please allow me the privilege to have fun with our faith.  Enjoy.

Mike: Kurt and Brenda, welcome and shalom to 4949 Centennial Blvd.  We are thankful that you came out to San Francisco and visited us today.  Before we begin, let us pray.  Lord, We know that you have not brought us together today by accident.  We know this was a part of your plan.  We thank you, Lord, for having Matt Leinart be more concerned with his partying than his passing, which opened the door for my brother Kurt here to be the starter for Arizona.  We thank you for Mike Nolan being a good enough coach to hire me, but not a bad enough coach to not win football games.  We thank you for Alex Smith’s injury and Shaun Hill’s poor practice ability that do not allow us to feel settled in our own QB, and we thank you for the ineptitude of the Cardinal’s organization, so that Kurt and Brenda would look elsewhere to feel appreciated.  God, the one who begins a good work, we ask that you be faithful to complete it, and have Kurt sign this contract to become a 49er.  In your holy name, we pray.  Amen.

Kurt: Thanks, Mike for that.  As you know, I’ve been around a lot of coaches, and I’ve never met a coach who can pray like you.  This makes me feel right at home.

Mike: Brother Warner and Sister Warner, I want to tell you about the vision I had.  2 weeks ago, I had a dream.  An angel of the Lord appeared to me and said, “Do not be afraid, I have good news for you, if you follow the Lord’s command.  If you convince Kurt Warner to become a 49er, then your team will be called blessed amongst all other teams.  God will look down on your team with favor because of the faith you and Kurt share.  God will bless your faithfulness with a Super Bowl Championship.  Every team will be envious because of your relationship with Yahweh, and your Lombardi Trophy.”  Then, like a vapor the angel was gone.

Brenda: Praise Jesus!  The Lord told me the very same thing last night.  That’s why I told Kurt, we have to fly in the private jet to SF, ride around in their cushy limo, and take the helicopter tour of the city.  Praise God, this is incredible.

Kurt: I must say, Mike, that is a great vision, but what assures you this is from God?

Mike: I didn’t tell you one other thing the angel told me.  He said if you asked the question to say the word: Ezekiel.

Kurt: MY FAVORITE PROPHET!!!!  It is a sign from God.  This is great.  I had been working on an evangelizing the elderly in Arizona, but now to witness to the heathen in San Francisco this is incredible!  Me and you, Mike.  First, we’ll save the offensive line, imagine how good they will be when their strength is renewed like eagles.  Then the skill guys, so they will run and not grow weary, and finally the defense who will become a mighty fortress.  Once, the team is sanctified, then there is no stopping us.  Not only will we win the Super Bowl, but we will win souls.  I’m in, where do I sign?

Mike: Now, Kurt.  You remember what Jesus said don’t you, “Don’t store up for yourselves treasures on earth…, but store up treasure in heaven?”  And my new favorite Psalm, number 49 talks about the folly of trusting in riches, so here is the contract offer we have come up: 2 Years, 2 Million dollars, and with the money we are not spending on you, we will give it to your charity of choice on your behalf, and give every person who buys a ticket a copy of your autobiography, one of my books, and an NIV Bible.  Do we have a deal?

Brenda: Sign it!

Kurt: Now Brother Mike, this is about 20 million less than I was anticipating, but you know what Mike?  You’re right!  I’ve made enough money.  I’m signing this contract.  This isn’t about money, but about Jesus. 

Mike: Amen, brother.  Welcome to the 49er family!  Let me close us in prayer.  “Dear Jesus Christ, We praise you for your incredible love and providence (Brenda and Kurt: Gloria, Hallelujah).  We would not be here without you!  Thank you for speaking to Kurt and Brenda the good news of becoming members of the 49ers.  We can only imagine the great things you will do through them and us, and thank you for the assurance of a Super Bowl Championship.  In your holy name we pray.  Amen.

Kurt and Brenda: Amen!



Filed under Sports

4 responses to “Singletary and Warner: An Imaginary Conversation

  1. Shannon

    You know the conversation should end in song. Something like Be Thou My Vision or Victory in Jesus. Awesome! Even Abbi (a Steeler) is laughing.

  2. aarontiger

    You make a good point. So, to enhance the scene let’s just say that DC Talk’s Jesus Freak was playing on a loop throughout the conversation.

  3. Maybe instead of “Jesus Freak,” the “Super Bowl Shuffle?” Singletary could say that if Samurai Mike can teach Steve Fuller how to rap, he can make Kurt Warner a Super Bowl QB.

  4. Pingback: Picking My NCAA Tournament Bracket: From the Heart Take Two « Thorn in My Heart

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